Babble Media Mujahids

Jan 3rd, 2010 | By | Category: Uncategorized

Nadeem Paracha never fails to leave me laughing. Today’s Dawn includes his latest “Smoker’s Corner” about the media Talibans or what he calls “Babble Media Mujahids.” In his usual biting manner, Mr. Paracha’s witty satire really puts the ridiculous of some of the media talking heads into perspective. As infuriating as it is to read or listen to these individuals, if you sit back and look at them through the lens of Mr. Paracha’s satire, you really see them for the silly little people that they are. It is like the story of the Emporer’s Clothes. Everyone takes these chattering heads so seriously, but then Paracha comes around and says, “What are you people doing? These people are not wearing any clothes!” and the ridiculousness of the BMMs is finally easy for everyone to see.

Babble Media Mujahids (BMM, and also called, BAAM!) is a group of superheroes operating in Pakistan. They advocate religious tolerance through the killing of heretics and glorification of an independent judiciary. The BMM was formed through divine intervention when in 2005 God invoked a devastating earthquake in Kashmir to punish the people watching Indian movies and indulging in local brews.

The BMM gained a burst of popularity, asking the people to repent, repent, repent… and buy new 657 SL mobile phones and Nofone connections. The outfit has shown great concern for the country’s political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, physiological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state of affairs. Anyone disagreeing is an infidel on the payroll of Asif Ali Zardari, Barack Obama, Madonna, et al.

The BMM’s biggest weapon is a devastating exploding device. It is called the Chattering-Bomb. It is constructed with tons of anarchic talk, cheesy innuendos, fact-free gabble, paranoia, and awe-inspiring gossip. When these ineffectual, I mean, intellectual, compounds are mixed they generate a reactionary effect that helps produce the most vital condition used in infidels: nausea. So, unlike conventional exploding devices that go ‘ka-boom,’ the Chattering-Bombs go ‘ka-blugghhh!’ But I must add that the Chattering-Bomb is a fascinatingly unique device because it may kill the victim but never the bomber. It only makes him/her fatter and louder.

The BMM superhero group’s heroes are: Ka Ka Kami who is an expert at making fast-talking jaws that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but drop in awe every time Bharvi Minion’s picture appears; Dr. Shaddi Mashud, who has an invisible beard that explodes every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but shreds every time he talks to Kashnama Farigh on his show. Ansi Bhai (also known as Sansar Chaprasi), has a sleeping disorder that induces nightmares and explodes every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned, but these nightmares turn into sweet lullabies every time the Swat girl flogging video is shown;

Then there are Narmeen Naswari (also called Hasseena Atom Bomb) who has diamond rings on her fingers that are actually tiny, baby atom bombs that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but sparkle every time Immy Bravo flexes his tribal panther biceps at the many jirgas that he loves to hold in London and Mumbai; Yaqeen Sepahi who makes pens, also explodes every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but he runs out of ink every time there’s a suicide bombing.

Another effective weapon that BMM possesses is intriguingly called Chhoti Si Break. Though its immediate translation is ‘a short break,’ this weapon’s technical name is Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. This device pops more than explodes, both suddenly and rudely. Their fuse may be short but the break that they induce in the infidels’ patience can be devastatingly long.

However, the most devastating weapon of the BMM remains the device called Breaking News Grenade. It is actually a small size version of the Chattering-Bomb. It is indiscriminately hurled at infidels even more suddenly and rudely than the Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. Though highly destructive, the Breaking News Grenade is surprisingly made with nothing more than hot air! Thus, it makes a lot of noise and is mainly used to impede an infidel’s senses and bring everything to a stand still, making him feel that the day of judgment has arrived and it’s time to repent, repent, repent… and change your shampoo.

Over the years the BMM has gathered great power, presence and popcorn. It believes that a revolution is at hand and that it is the BMM that will be bleeding it, I mean, leading it. That’s why most BMM leaders are wonderful speakers, passionately speeching instead of speaking, gallantly deforming instead of informing, and declaring jihad against infidel concepts such as objectivity and commonsense.

Contrary to popular belief, the BMM has a lighter and a tad more liberal side to it as well. It has a cultural wing consisting of sirens in the shape of trendy looking androids that are fed burgers and French fries to further fatten their complete ignorance of reality. They talk in strange tongues called ‘minglish,’ and ‘Hinglish.’ One of the biggest successes in this respect has been the conversion of Zion Wamid who was once an uncaring, burger-popping DJ at a Tora Bora disco. Today he is a hero of the BMM.

Speaking on the issue, Wamid said: “Yo, man, like, I was a no-good dude, until the I-mess-I, I mean, the BMM, picked me up, and, like, far out, man, like, repent, repent, repent!”

The BMM’s history has been short but eventful. It believes it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I mean, intellectual meltdown, I mean mental showdown, I mean showdown with the infidels that will lead to a glorious Islamic/ Marxist/ judicial/ fundamentalist/ Bollywoodist revolution that will save Pakistan from the wrath of George, Gog, Magog and Rehman Malik’s curly hair.

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