Satire: Nadeem Paracha's Latest Media Dictionary

Oct 18th, 2010 | By | Category: Satire

Nadeem ParachaNadeem Paracha has been compiling a new “devil’s dictionary” to help people understand the often bizarre ramblings of the media. His latest installment, Talking Knees, offers a much needed bit of levity into what can otherwise get to be a disheartening discussion of the media’s farcical failings.

Want to be a successful TV anchor and talk show host in Bakistan? The following is what you need to know …

Amreeka

A modern-day Babylon. Run by evil men whose bloodlines are linked to epic, evil characters such as Sodom & Gomorra and Gog & Magog.  Can be a nice place to visit though, for a personal trip.

Amreeka has a very powerful Jewish lobby that constantly plots against Bakistan. This wicked lobby’s members have just one motive in their sorry lives: the destruction of Bakistan, thus Islam, thus Haji Zion Hamid.

Amreeka is also the diabolical modern embodiment of the medieval Christian crusades against innocent (but brave Muslims); using drones instead of horses, dollars instead of swords, Mickey Mouse instead of the Pope and Marlboro Reds instead of ritual burnings. Not a bad place though, for your close relatives working (or living on welfare) there.

Amreeka is at the centre of whatever goes wrong in the Islamic Emirate of Bakistan. Everything coming from them, including financial aid, needs to be judged, denounced and rejected. That being said, advertising from Amreekan banks and multinationals on your channel is fine.

All political analyses should begin with the words: ‘Amreeka kya chahta hai?’ (What does America want?) – even if the analysed issue has to do with the vanishing lids of manholes in Lahore’s Anarkali area.

Bad mouthing Amreeka is a must – a prerequisite of becoming a TV news anchor and talk show host. Those who fail to do this should be suspected of being part of the modern Christian crusade against Bakistan, thus Islam, thus famous tarot card reader, Dr. Shahid Fasaad.

However, it is okay, to borrow some of their helicopters to help flood victims in Sindh and the Punjab. Nevertheless, you must insist that the government – usually full of Amreekan slaves – be careful. These ’copters may actually be shape-shifting Free Masons spying on the breeding cycle of the blind dolphins of River Indus. Any dolphin seen cooperating with the Amreekans should be turned into halaal sushi.

Aafia Siddiqui

Below is the objective bit with which TV anchors/hosts should begin their analysis of Aafia’s case:

A harmless, petite Bakistani woman who went to Afghanistan on a bird-watching trip where she was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to kill two birds with a rock. She was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who sold her to Amreeka, who sold her to the Jewish lobby who put her in jail (a filthy bird cage) and sentenced her for 1,886 years in jail,. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution, Allah-ho-Akbar, Allah-ho-Akbar …

For the subjective bit however, we recommend you bite and swallow some cyanide capsules live on air.

Army

A usurping monolithic institution that can be criticised on TV for its deeds in the 1960s. You will have to wait another 20 years though, to criticise it for its deeds between the 1970s and 1990s. However, as a TV anchor/host, freedom of media in Bakistan demands that you stick to Zardari’s ‘corruption’ and Amreeka’s conspiracies.

Aqal

An Urdu word for wisdom/intelligence/reason. Usually used by slippery secularists and atheists to soften their Godless tripe. Should be rejected outright.

The rejection of aqal is really good for ratings too. The famous religious scholar, Jahil Liaquat’s show, Dunce Online, is a good example. He is right. Aqal is a clever ploy by secularists to turn manly Muslims into pansy vegetarians and persuading women to move out of the kitchen and join offices or worse, the gym. Only his wife can do that, in Dubai.

Bakistan

The true name of what we incorrectly call, Bakistan. Since all Bakistani Muslims have Arab ancestry and the Arabs cannot pronounce ‘P’, make sure you don’t either. Those who do, their tongues should be flogged by miniature whips made with the skin of male baby camels.

Bhutto

A family name that is to be praised – but only if he or she is dead. Otherwise, to be castigated just for the heck of it.

Benazir

Be sure to put Shaheed (martyr) in front of the name of this late former prime minister of Bakistan, in spite of the fact that you were calling her a ‘sell-out’ and ‘corrupt’ only a few hours before her assassination in December 2007.

Blackwater

The notorious Amreekan security firm which is responsible for each and every suicide blast in Bakistan in the last five years. It might also be behind the spread of Congo and dengue fevers in the country, and the death of your neighbourhood cat.

You must talk about the cat on your show. Especially if you are Namehram Bokhari.

‘Tell me, Mr. Rehman Malik, why has the government remained quiet about the death of the cat?’

‘It’s just a neighbourhood cat!’
‘No, you are saying this because Blackwater is now killing all our stray cats!’
‘Not really.’
‘How can you say that?’‘Well, you’re still here.’

Constitution

The more illiterate you are about the constitution the more you should talk about it. Makes you sound democratic.

Dance

Something only for Muslim males to do on Bakistani channels.  But if performed by a woman should be instantly analysed by you on your show. You can always put the blame of this cultural transgression on Blackwater, secularism, or better still, on Dr. Pervez Hoodbhoy’s physics classes at the Quaid-e-Azam University.

Drone

Unmanned Amreekan planes that bomb and kill militants and terrorists in northern Bakistan. Your line as TV anchor/host however should be: How dare they? If we can’t (or refuse) to do that, how can the filthy Amreekans? These attacks are an attack on our sovereignty. Those dying in the drone attacks are our brothers (albeit, with a short fuse and an unnerving tendency to blow themselves up every now and then in our mosques, shrines and bazaars). Yeah well, brothers, nevertheless.

Dr. A.Q. Khan

Bakistan’s favourite scientist and father of the country’s nuclear bomb. Was accused by Musharraf and the Amreekans for selling nuclear technology to rogue states. TV anchors/hosts should defend him to the hilt. Because in reality, he is an old, harmless petite Bakistani who went to Holland on a harmless tulip-farming course when he was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to steal uranium-laced fertilizer. He was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who put him under house arrest for 11,000 years and took away all his gardening tools which he was about to sell to harmless gardeners in Iran, North Korea and Libya. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution, Allah-ho-Akbar, Allah-ho-Akbar …

English

Language of the Amreekans and other farangies. Fanatical and bigoted Bakistani televangelists should use it to sound ‘educated’ and so should rabid, right-wing TV anchors to sound ‘objective.’

Entertainment

Since entertainment in Bakistan means watching loud mudslinging matches on talk shows, you as an anchor/host should make sure there is as much entertainment in your show as possible – preferably at the expense of someone else’s reputation.

F-16s

Deadly fighter jets expensively bought from Amreekans but converted to Islam by late mujahid, Zia-ul-Haq.

Freedom of the Media

The freedom to say 2+2=5 and ridiculing, and attacking those who think otherwise. Damn those anti-media punks!

Hamid Gul

A retired, senile reactionary Army man and ISI sleuth who has gained more recognition by appearing on TV talk shows than he did for taking part in the mujahidin war against the Soviet Union.

Hindus

Scheming vermin who are oppressing Muslims in India and always planning to break up Bakistan. However, it is okay if a channel blasts these idol-worshiping pests, following that by the latest news from Bollywood

Imran Khan

Every TV anchor/host should make sure to have Imran Khan on his/her show at least thrice a week.  Apart from the fact that this very busy politician seems always to be available, his political knowledge and animated rants can make even the most idiotic talk show host sound like a genius. Also, this brave anti-West and anti-imperialistic revolutionary can help you get a UK visa faster than you can say ‘down with the Queen!

Jihad

A jihad is how the present-day Bakistani TV journalist/anchor/host sees his duty. Especially a jihad against ‘corruption’ (ala Aaj Drama Khan kay saath). Such a jihad will not only book your place in paradise and make you popular, but it will also raise the ratings of your show and land you a big fat salary. See this as God’s (tax-free) blessing. By God, I mean God and not your saith.

Judiciary

A Bakistani political party formed by the media. Expected to eradicate corruption, crime, obscenity, secularism, politicians, polio, malaria and petty traffic violations.

Kerry-Lugar Bill

An Amreekan aid bill no Bakistani host/anchor has read but readily and negatively comments upon. Which is fine, since it was the Army generals who didn’t like the ‘tone’ of the bill. TV anchor Namehram Bokhari found it particularly rude, and in protest sent imperialistic Amreekans Kerry and Lugar the bill for her latest Louis Vuitton handbag. Yeah, baby.

Lal Masjid

A red-coloured mosque in Islamabad that was brutally stormed and attacked by Musharraf’s Army. There was nothing unusual in the mosque. It had what most such mosques and madrassas usually have – i.e., civilians, ulema, students, clergymen, militants, guns, bombs, danda-carrying burqa-clad women, etc.

It was a tragedy that TV anchors/hosts must never forget. According to Sansar Abbasi 4,777 people were killed in the action. Though he was blinded by tear gas while counting the dead, but that did not affect the gallant journalist’s counting abilities.

‘1, 2, 10, 100, *cough* … 277, 1001, *cough, cough* …1,779 … outrage, outrage!’

Musharraf

An amicable military man who became a blundering dictator and then de-evolved into becoming a babbling buffoon. The babbling buffoon part would have been best served had he become a TV talk show host instead.

Muslim

News anchors who say ‘Allah hafiz’ instead of ‘Khuda Hafiz.’

Opposition

An animated alliance of bold hosts/anchors who find the conventional parliamentary opposition parties too soft (on Zardari that is, not the Taliban). They are our brothers, y’know.

PML-N

Opposition political party headquartered in various ‘objective’ news channels. It’s motto: Jeeo aur jeenain doh.

Secular

Anyone who did not take Junaid Jamshed and Sahir Lodhi’s Ramzan shows seriously.

Taliban

As a talk show host, be sure to be as contradictory and vague about the Taliban as possible.

‘Taliban are Zionist/Amreekan/Hindu implants. No wait, actually they are our brothers. No wait, they are Bakistanis seeking revenge for drone attacks. No, actually they are foreigners posing as Muslims. No, they are just misguided Muslims. No wait, they are uncircumcised anti-Islam brutes. No wait, they are men whose families got killed by Army operation. No wait, they are Blackwater agents. No wait …

However, be sure to be totally single-minded, focused and constant about the following guy … he doesn’t bite back.

Zardari

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