For starters, all the women in the family would remain (dressed to the nines, of course) in a kitchen, preparing all kinds of food with a favourite cooking oil which they see as the real source behind their husbands’ and in-laws’ approval and love.

Each time the in-laws crack open their wide, greedy smiles after tasting the food, and the hubby shows more interest in her cooking skills than in any other of her equally good talents, she will point to the cooking oil ka dabba and pat it proudly – as if it contained some kind of a magic potion that helps keep her family eating and smiling, eating and smiling, eating and smiling all day long …

Her entire life would comprise of a vicious circle where all she does is get decked up, go into the kitchen and prepare food, with the cooking oil right there besides her of course. When in reality the damn oil ka dabba should have been swung unabashedly at the heads of the grinning in-laws and the stupid hubby!

By the way, if the lady also has kids (wonder when or how that happened with the amount of cooking), then most probably she will also be (literally) singing praises for a milk brand that she sees as giving her children brilliant, encyclopaedic intelligence and all sorts of powers which may include x-ray vision, gravity defying flight, and the ability to climb and jump over tall buildings like Spiderman.

But no matter what, the lady of the house remains glued to the kitchen while the in-laws remain stuck to the dining table, asking for more and more with not even a rudimentary burp distracting their enormous appetites.

In this fantastical world there are also women who are forever seen hovering around washing machines, constantly doing mad experiments with two different types of washing powders.

At times they almost push their kids to the brink of hysteria just so the poor kids can play in a puddle of filthy mud and get their clothes dirty, enough for the ladies to effectively conduct experiments with the detergents to see which one cleans the best.

It seems that from all the mad washing powder experiments, a Frankenstein-like dhobi smelling of assorted detergents will appear and take care of their washing needs! Ah, the wonders of corporate science.

Alas, as we move beyond the women stuck forever in the kitchen or the mad women playing with washing powder brands, we are introduced to the women (again, all decked up, of course) doing a crisscross between the Macarena and assorted filmi twists in front of deep freezers and refrigerators.

As if disillusioned by human beings, they have decided to fall head-over-heels over chunks of smooth metal and plastic, and sing cheesy odes to them just because they either make great cubes of ice or can safely store a month’s supply of bukra eid gosht! Remember the in-laws, mate? Always hungry.

As we leave the (demented) ladies of this fantastical world to their appliances, we come across the men of this world. The sort who actually love cars, bikes and mobile phone more than their mothers and wives!

It also seems they are capable of selling their grandparents to get their hands on the most recent mobile phone model just so they can listen to the latest R&B ditty as a ring-tone. It is kind of fascinating watching all these macho metrosexuals swinging to music.

Their girlfriends/fiancées are wasting their time with these guys unless of course, they are smart enough to get their men’s instant attention by:

(a) Applying tons and tons of magical fairness creams on their faces (because otherwise, they are destined to die as rotting, dark spinsters) or,
(b) They are always ready to break into a Bollywood style group dance with the guy at the drop of a hat!

Obviously, these men are never expected to bring home some hard-earned money to put food on the table, but hey, who cares about real world stuff when you can move like Hrithik Roshan tripping on nitrous oxide!

But there are some “sober” men in this fantastic world as well. The really hung-up ones who are always in designer suits, always “on the go,” either making animated presentations in boardrooms or flying first class, and to whom a wife is nothing more than a husky voice on an expensive mobile phone. He also sees more children as cabbies on a golf course than he sees his own kids at home.

My question again, exactly when do these men and women get the time or chance to have kids? But then in this fantastical world, children it seems, are actually custom-made in some Chinese factory in the Xinjiang province.

Anyway, one must remember, that these men must also be seen on a golf course even if they do not know how to play the game. All they have to do is just stand on the course, swinging away in spite of the fact that they are probably scoring more mosquito kills with their expensive irons than birdies.  In the real world such men can easily be mistaken for inanimate coffee tables but in this one, they are kings, baby.

As we move on, we come across groups of teenagers who think that acting stupid and silly is akin to being “khool.” We also see grown-up men and women actually drooling, with eyes popping out as if suffering from a sudden attack of epilepsy as they hear about the lakhs and lakhs of rupees that they can win by simply collecting coupons in tea or detergent packs.

We see the same kind of people, now with their eyes directed towards the heavens and the archetypal bright, milky-white Islamic crescent forming over their heads when told that getting a certain mobile phone connection can land them in Mecca for a quick round of Umra – and that too with a wonderful Islamic kind of guy who in all probability is nothing more than an imposter. But hey, who is thinking?

And now, if I do not get out of this freaky world, I am sure to end up landing in some cuckoo institution comparing washing powders with the demented detergent ladies.  Out I go …

This post was published on Dawn’s blog on 20 January 2011. Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

Blog Cafe Pyala notes that PEMRA issued fines on Rs. 1 million each to Samaa TV and Waqt TV for airing an interview of Mumtaz Qadri who has confessed to murdering for Punjab Governor Salmaan Taseer. PEMRA has also proposed a bill to ban TV talk shows from discussing sub-judice matters.

Blog Cafe Pyala praised the move saying, “finally some backbone from PEMRA”. Meanwhile The Nation has condemned the move as mistaken writing that PEMRA os “a tool of the government for suppressing the freedom of press and the free flow of information”.

However, this was not the only instance in which PEMRA is related to the Salmaan Taseer assassination case. An article in Dawn of last week suggests that an official of PEMRA was detained for a role in motivating Qadri, though this has received less attention from the media than the fines against Samaa and Waqt.

But PEMRA actions related to the Salmaan Taseer assassination case are not the only complaints being levied against the agency.

Writing on his blog Tārikh-nāma Shahid Saeed observes that PEMRA is not doing an adequate job of enforcing advertisement time and content regulations, and he has a suspicion as why this might be:

Why you think PEMRA might not be doing it’s job and imposing fines on the channel, besides lethargy and plain impotence? Well maybe because Article 9(7) of the Broadcasting Regulations, 2002 reads

The licensee shall pay to the Authority 2% of the gross revenue receipts for airing or broadcasting the advertisements on his system.

And article 9(8) of the Cable TV Regulations, 2002

The licensee shall pay to the Authority 5% of the gross revenue receipts for airing or distributing the advertisements on his cable television system

Well, when you are getting a share of the ad revenue in order to remain functional outside tax payer money, you allow the channels to go beyond the legal limits and increase your salaries maybe? Why check the cable operator showing 90 minutes of ads in an hour?

Shahid does note that a June 2009 news article says states that PEMRA hired a firm “Trase” to monitor the ad times and that Chairman PEMRA Malik Mushtaq “also claimed that not a single channel has ever paid 5% of their revenues to Pemra or the government, as stipulated”.

An essential part of PEMRA’s mandate is to improve the standards of information, education and entertainment and to ensure accountability, transparency and good governance by optimization the free flow of information.

PEMRA is Pakistan Electronic Media Regulatory Authority, not Pakistan Electronic Media Advertising Association. If PEMRA is going fulfill its mandate, it needs to exercise its authority. We should also ask whether Articles 9(7) and 9(8) of the Broadcasting Regulations, 2002 are preventing that from happening.

A page two column from Nawa-i-Waqt on Tuesday highlighted a claim that Jamaat ud Dawa “has made over 1 million suits for flood victims”. A staff reporter went on to report that JuD is providing milk packets to 7,000 children.

As shown in previous posts, this is a very small amount of aid to flood victims compared to that being organized and delivered by non-political NGOs as well as the government and military.

This blog has observed recently that some journalists, either unwittingly or for pay, appear to be providing PR for banned organizations. We have seen such examples in both English language and Urdu news media, including in The News (Jang), The Nation, Dawn, Daily Khabrian and now Nawa-i-Waqt.

Since Nawa-i-Waqt has also accepted advertising for banned groups, the question must be asked whether these illegal organizations are using advertising or PR methods to influence media coverage, or if the continued praise of illegal organizations reflects certain political bias by editors and reporters at these newspapers.

Daily Nawa-i-waqt ran a large paid advertisement signed by Hafiz Saeed for Jamaat ud Dawa that says,

Responsible people and members of JuD, help the flood victims on a preferential basis.

While the advertisement appears to be asking people to give money to help flood victims, it is actually promoting the banned organization. It does this in two ways:

First, the advertisement makes a direct connection between the victims of the flood and the relief efforts of JuD despite the fact that JuD has provided only a marginal amount of support for flood victims, and that ignores the broader mission of the organization which is to spread an extremist version of Islam.

Second, the advertisement suggests that the best way to help flood victims is to give financial contributions to JuD rather than to government efforts or apolitical NGOs operating on the ground. This, despite the fact that such an act is illegal as JuD is a banned organization whose accounts have been frozen, despite their continuing to operate openly. Furthermore, the fact that JuD’s accounts have been frozen raises the question of how the advertisement was paid for – did Nawa-i-Waqt accept cash, or was the advertisement provided ‘pro bono’ or complimentary?

Whatever the situation, it is worth questioning what it means about the priorities of newspapers like Nawa-i-Waqt who will accept advertising from banned organizations.

According to Gillian Dyer, advertising has a direct influence on the editorial environment of a newspaper. (Advertising as communication, Volume 1982, Part 2, p.67)

Advertisers will look for the right editorial environment as well as the right readers when they buy space. From this we might conclude that any criticism of an advertiser’s business activities will be avoided in the editorial sections of newspapers.

A 2008 paper by Kelly E. Campbell titled, Advertiser Influence on News Media: A Literature Review concludes that there editors and journalists are aware of this pressure.

Clearly, editors and journalists perceive there to be advertiser pressure. Given the
amount of research that has examined advertiser influence from the news organization’s
perspective, it would be interesting to examine how advertisers themselves perceive their
role in influencing editorial content.

Gillian Dyer’s book concludes that,

Advertisers play a major part in shaping society’s values, habits and direction. They are also partly responsible for influencing the character and development of the media system…Newspapers and magazines are increasingly forced into creating the right ‘editorial environment’ for advertisers, and in addition we can see a growing polarization between popular and quality newspapers.

With this in mind, we must ask what the act of accepting advertising by a banned organization says about the priorities and editorial stance of Nawa-i-Waqt. If the newspaper accepted payment for the advertisement, how has that affected their stance on organizations operating illegally in the country? If they provided the advertisement without charge, are they then demonstrating their support for the illegal organization?

Already some reporters have pointed to news media providing PR for banned groups. Is this yet another example? And what does that tell us about what the agenda of these newspapers?

Research shows that advertising has an influence on reporting and editorial positions. Typically, this may be a subtle effect such as not wanting to write too much about a corporate scandal if the company is a large advertiser. When it comes to banned organization like JuD, though, real questions emerge about what the newspaper’s priorities are and whether the advertising accepted is having some influence on the editorial positions and reporting in the newspaper.

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,’ which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice theirjihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption’ missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God’s approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar’ on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show’ on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.’

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you’d rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:
A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com: 
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan –  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies – so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it’s a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,’ jobs become ‘jaabs,’ Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,’ and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya’s recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood’s moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV’ or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.’
‘Eeeek …!’

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.’

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind: 
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn’t stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gulsahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ Why can’t his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:
A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he’s had a bit too much of Dr. Masood’s Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C’ in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:
A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N’ in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N’ in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:
The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban: 
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They’d rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat’s soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let’s march on Delhi, y’all!’ ‘Hindus are insects, y’all,’ ‘I love wars, y’all,’ ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y’all,’ ‘So is Maria B, y’all,’ ‘Even though she’s a woman, y’all.’ Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat’s tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.