اب حال ھی میں میموگیٹ سکینڈل کو ھی لے لیں۔ ھر چینل نے بنا کسی تحقیق و تصدیق کے اپنا اپنا اظہار خیال شروع کر دیا۔ اس کے علاوہ اپوزیشن پارٹی کو تو موقع ملنا چاہیے۔ نوٹ کرنے والی بات یہ ھے کہ زیادہ تر کیا سارے ھی چینلز نے پاکستانی سفیر حسین حقانی کا موقف لینے کے بجائے مشکوک کردار کے مالک منصور اعجاز جو کہ ایک امریکی شھریت رکھتے ھیں اور جنہوں نے کئی بار پاکستان اور اسکی افواج کے خلاف منفی  خیالات کا اظہار اور منفی مضامین چھاپے ھیں سے رجوع کرنا زیادہ مناسب سمجھا۔

یہاں پر یہ بات قابل ذکر ھے کہ حامد میر سب سے پہلے اینکر تھے جنہوں نے حسین حقانی سے رابطہ کیا اور ان کا موقف اپنے پروگرام میں پیش کیا۔ اس پروگرام کی کلپ نیچے ملاحظہ کری

Capital Talk Hamid Mir Nov 17 2011

اس کے بعد امریکہ میں موجود پاکستانی سفیر حسین حقانی نے دیگر پروگرامز میں اپنے حوالے سے اٹھائے گئے سوالات کا جواب دیا۔ حیران کن بات یہ ھے کہ اس انٹرویو سے قبل اور اس کے بعد بھی منصور اعجاز مختلف چینلز پر اپنا مقدمہ پیش کرتے رھے اور مزید حیران کن بات یہ ھے کہ ایک امریکن سٹیزن سے رابطہ کرنا زیادہ آسان ھے جو کہ یورپ منتقل ھو چکے ھیں اور ایک پاکستانی سفیر سے زیادہ مشکل جو کہ واشنگٹن میں پاکستانی سفارتخانے میں پائے جاتے ھیں۔ تعجب خیز بات یہ بھی ھے کہ ہر ٹی وی چینلز مختلف قیاس آرائیوں پر مبنی خبریں پیش کرتے رھے مثلا اےآرواے نے کہا کہ پاکستانی سفیر اپنی ڈی سی کی رہائش گاہ سے کہیں اور منتقل ھو چکے ھیں۔ دنیا نے کہا کہ ان کا استعفی صدر کو موصول ھو چکا ھے جبکہ موصوف ایمبیسیڈر نے ابھی تک  استعفی دیا ھی نہیں۔ خواجہ آصف صاحب نے امریکی شہریت رکھنے کا الزام حسین حقانی پر لگایا کیا ان کے پاس ایک عرب روپے ھیں کیونکہ شاید وہ یہ بھول گئے کہ اسی بات پر نوائے وقت نے حال ھی میں پاکستانی سفیر سے معافی مانگی تاکے انہیں ایک عرب روپے کا ہرجانا نا دینا پڑے۔

پاکستانی میڈیا کو ذمہ داری کا ثبوت دیتے ھوئے حقائق پر مبنی تحقیق کے بعد ناظرین کے سامنے صحیح صورت حال کو پیش کرنا چاھئے اور من گھرٹ قیاس آرائیوں سے پرہیز  کرنا چاھئے۔

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,’ which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice theirjihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption’ missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God’s approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar’ on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show’ on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.’

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you’d rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:
A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com: 
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan –  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies – so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it’s a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,’ jobs become ‘jaabs,’ Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,’ and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya’s recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood’s moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV’ or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.’
‘Eeeek …!’

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.’

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind: 
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn’t stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gulsahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ Why can’t his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:
A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he’s had a bit too much of Dr. Masood’s Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C’ in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:
A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N’ in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N’ in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:
The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban: 
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They’d rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat’s soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let’s march on Delhi, y’all!’ ‘Hindus are insects, y’all,’ ‘I love wars, y’all,’ ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y’all,’ ‘So is Maria B, y’all,’ ‘Even though she’s a woman, y’all.’ Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat’s tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.