Posts Tagged ‘Hamid Mir’

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Nadeem Paracha on Media Reaction to Shoe Incident and Aftermath

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Nadeem Paracha, writing for Dawn Blog today, analyses the media reaction to the ’shoe incident’ and the resulting protests by political activists against the media. One can’t help but come away thinking of an old song lyric.

There’s battle lines being drawn
Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong

The attacks were a highly undemocratic act and supposedly coming from members and supporters of the country’s largest political party made it even worse. However, if everything about this condemnable act was undemocratic, one must also ask exactly how democratic and wise were the following acts that the same media group has been embroiled in?

How wise and democratic was the role of one of its religious talk-show hosts who blatantly instigated violence against a minority sect in Lahore in 2008?

How wise and democratic is the fact that one of its many anchors was accused by the son of a slain former ISI man who was kidnapped by a group of extremists and allegedly killed on the suggestion of the anchor? The anchor has pleaded that he was not involved and the voice on a taped conversation between an extremist and him was not his. How far has the channel gone to fully investigate the issue – even though personally, I am a fan of his and would be most happy if he proves his innocence once and for all.

How wise and democratic was the way one of its former talk-show hosts – with an obsessive habit of making outlandish predictions about the downfall of the current government – ridiculed the Sindhi folk culture on the occasion of the Sindh government’s ‘Sindhi cap day’ early last year?

The list can go on. I am part of the media myself, but refuse to toe the line many of my contemporaries at the protest rally were toeing. But what was this line?

Briefly put it goes something like this: Sensationalising (on air) an event that sees a man throwing a shoe at the president is freedom of expression; but getting the same treatment from those incensed by the nature of reporting that the event got on your channel is an attack on this freedom?

Same way, suggesting that the president’s tour of Britain amounted to him ignoring the floods but forgetting about the floods yourself at the wake of the shoe-throwing incident was OK? The channel did begin to obsess about the ‘issue’ like an excited group of high school pranksters. ‘What floods, where? Get me that shoe story, now!’

The above are just questions that I aired during my meeting with some contemporaries of mine at the rally.

I fully appreciate that some of them are taking their status of being the society’s watchdogs very seriously. But many of them know as much as I do, that within our community of crusading, pen-pushing do-gooders can be found a number of characters who are as lecherous, fraudulent and arrogant as those individuals each one of us loves to bring down for being corrupt and deceiving.

What’s more, recently the local electronic media has grown another edgy tentacle. That of constant self glorification, self-righteousness and peachiness, all queerly entangled with a huge persecution complex.

Exactly when or who gave us (the media), the mandate (and the audacity) to become judge, jury and executioners?

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Posted in Censorship, Ethics | No Comments »

Hamid Mir Writes to Washington Times

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
Geo TV's Hamid Mir Accused of Conspiracy

Geo TV's Hamid Mir Accused of Conspiracy

In a serial drama that promises a new twist every day, Hamid Mir has written a letter to The Washington Times newspaper responding to an article in that same newspaper on Monday that details the contents of the tapes and the storyline of the controversy. In his email, Hamid Mir makes clear that he no longer believes the government is behind any conspiracy but that it is elements within the intelligence community who were involved with the assassination of Benazir Bhutto.

Hamid Mir’s email, published in full by The Washington Times contradicts recent claims by some of his colleagues that the government was behind the conspiracy:

Initially a government senator was also attacking me on different TV channels but Information Minister Qamar Zaman Kaira clearly said on May 25 that Hamid Mir is a target of a conspiracy and government have nothing against him. President Zardari has also cleared it to me personally that nobody from [the Pakistan People's Party] is involved in this conspiracy.

Hamid Mir goes on to identify those he now suspects as being members of intelligence who are retaliating for an article he wrote critical of a General.

I am forced to believe that some elements in the intelligence used my media colleagues against me because I was not in control of any intelligence outfit. One of my crimes was that I wrote an article against a serving general of the Pakistan Army.

But this is not just any General that Hamid Mir refers to, and this is what makes his claim really quite explosive, I think:

I am still not sure that who is my actual enemy because nobody have come out openly against me yet. There is no FIR (police complaint), no official inquiry and nobody contacted me for any investigation. According to my information, this whole drama was organized after one of my articles against a serving Army General, Nadeem Ejaz, was published in The News on April 26.This General was involved in the assassination of Benazir Bhutto.

Hamid Mir still considers The Daily Times deeply implicated in the plot, though he does admit, “I am still not sure that who is my actual enemy…”

The new story does open some strange new twists, though. Hamid Mir claims that his voice is real, but that the militant is fake.

I think this militant is fake and somebody recorded his voice and fitted in a so-called conversation with me.

At the end of the same paragraph, though, he says that his voice also is doctored.

Here I am sure that they used my doctored voice but incorrect information about me never helped them.

At the end of Hamid Mir’s long and detailed email, I’m afraid we don’t really know more than we did before. The allegation of retaliation by pro-Nadeem Ejaz elements in the  intelligence may be more plausible than a conspiracy to silence all government criticism, but still Hamid Mir does not tell anything new or provide any evidence. There is only more speculation.

As this case continues to build international attention, it becomes all the more important that the facts come out. As we mentioned yesterday, it will be important that Jang and Geo conduct their own investigation and release the findings with the backing evidence. Only then will we able to close this case for good.

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Posted in Geo TV, Jang | 2 Comments »

Geo’s “Shattered Glass” Moment?

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Janet Cooke is a name that is probably not as familiar among the general public as it is among professional journalists. Ms Cooke was an American reporter for The Washington Post newspaper who won a Pulitzer Prize for a story she wrote about a small child addicted to heroin. The article was obviously considered excellent to win such a prestigious award. It was also fiction.

Janet Cooke had conned one of the most prestigious newspapers in the world. The Washington Post’s immediate reaction was to go on the defensive. How could it be that their star reporter was lying? Still, though, the newspaper investigated the claims and discovered that they were true. The newspaper publicly apologized and returned the award.

Geo is having a similar moment today. Perhaps their star reporter Hamid Mir is innocent, but there have been serious charges made and evidence is piling up. Like The Washington Post, Geo appears to be very defensive. At least outwardly, there is little sign that the news agency is investigating what are very serious charges. This is understandable, to a degree – Hamid Mir is not someone who just walked in off the street. He is a veteran reporter that has many accomplishments.

But Hamid Mir is also a person. And people make mistakes sometimes. Everyone does. In fact, it’s not unusual for respected news organizations to have these problems from time to time. Like Janet Cooke at The Washington Post, there was Jayson Blair at The New York Times also and there was Stephen Glass at The New Republic also. A movie was even made about the story of Stephen Glass:

All of these reporters were well liked. They were nice, intelligent people who got caught up in a web of mistakes that grew from out-of-control egos combined with the fact that they were working for some of the most respected news organizations in the world. They became Media Baboos in their own minds. They believed that whatever they said was true simply because they said it.

Jang and its various news agencies demand transparency and accountability from the government. This is a proper function of media in a democracy, and Jang has many excellent reporters who do their job very well. But in order to be a legitimate and respected check on government, a successful news organization must provide the same transparency and accountability itself. This is why it is so important for Jang’s news agencies to be seen as acting in pursuit of the truth, whatever that may be.

So far, Hamid Mir’s response to the allegations has been rather silly. First he told The Guardian that it was a conspiracy by a blog controlled by the Ambassador Husain Haqqani. Perhaps he later found out that the blog in question – Let Us Build Pakistan – has posted materials critical of Haqqani, as well as many other PPP officials, from time to time. He has not mentioned this claim since.

Actually, this is not the first time that Hamid Mir has attacked the blog as being part of some big conspiracy. As we have defended them in the past, Hamid Mir did not provide any facts or evidence at that time either. It seems that these bloggers are simply an easy target for Hamid Mir when he gets upset. I don’t know why he has such a vendatta against them.

This accusation against the blog highlights an important part of Hamid Mir’s problem. In order to find out that they had published some articles critical of Husain Haqqani, all I had to do was use Google. If bloggers can use Google to check and verify facts, surely someone like Hamid Mir should be able to do the same.

This is a deep problem that we have in the media – reporters who do not seem to feel that they are responsible for checking their facts. Many of our most famous journalists seem to believe that simply wishing for something to be true is enough. Jang is not the only organization with some journalists affected by this problem – far from it – but they have been under the microscope since the Hamid Mir case has come to light. This actually gives Jang a great opportunity to take a leadership role and speak out against the problem, setting an example for other news agencies.

The other major part of the response has been for some of Hamid Mir’s colleagues to cast some wide accusations about a conspiracy to silence Jang for criticizing the government. But many news organizations besides Jang are critical of the government. Journalists look at the government with a critical eye every day in Dawn, Daily Times, The Nation and on all the TV shows. This is part of their job. Some reporters do it very well, and are able to critically analyse any government without having a political agenda guide their work.

It is interesting to note that the reporters who are so loudly crying out about a conspiracy to silence them, are really only the very small number of reporters who seem to have such a hard time checking their facts and providing evidence for their claims. Everyone else – the reporters who do their work and write excellent articles for their agencies – seem to know that they have nothing to fear from an investigation into the Hamid Mir tapes.

Jang Group is in an unfortunate situation, and I feel quite a bit of sympathy for all of their publishers, editors, and reporters who do good, honest work. Accusations against a member of their staff hurt. But we do not have Media Baboos in this country. Jang Group is bigger than Hamid Mir. If he did nothing wrong, it will come out and everyone will move on. On the other hand, if it turns out that Hamid Mir made some mistakes – if he was caught up in a moment and got carried away – Jang will be doing the best for itself and the media industry as a whole if it shows that it did a full and complete investigation.

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Posted in Geo TV, Jang | 10 Comments »

Paranoia Growing at Jang Group

Monday, May 24th, 2010

Reading The News today, one would be forgiven for thinking that Jang was an oppressed minority rather than the wealthy corporation that it is. What is, perhaps, more interesting, however, is that the news organization has begun to write paranoid stories about super secret conspiracies against some of its employees. As usual, though, Jang knows just who the conspirators are.

To be sure, this blog does not condone any violence or destruction of property at demonstrations against Jang and Geo offices in Karachi. If the people have a problem with Jang, they certainly have the right to air their greivances – but this should be done only in a peaceful and constructive manner.

That said, Jang’s reaction in an editorial in today’s The News is a bit over-the-top. The hyperventilating writers call the protests “the face of facism,” not realizing that a protest by the people against a large corporation that engages in political propaganda is the opposite of facism. Then, Jang goes on to blame the present government for the protests, despite not providing one bit of evidence for such a claim.

 Its vandalism, its violence on those guarding our offices and the harassment of our workers, all are the latest feathers in the crown of the present ‘democratic’ government which has made no bones about its intention to target this group, and through it the whole of free and independent media. 

Jang, of course, sees itself as the ‘freedom fighter’ who is ’speaking truth to power’ (this despite the fact that top Jang journalists such as Ansar Abbasi, Shaheen Sehbai, and Hamid Mir have consistently had a distinct problem with ‘truth’) and the present government as the face of all that is evil.

We are aware of the price of truth spoken in the face of power, particularly when power is reeking of corruption, incompetence and illegitimacy from top to toe.

Just yesterday, Ansar Abbasi wrote an article that made some claims about decisions made at a secret meeting at the Presidency (how would Ansar Abbasi of all people know anything that was discussed at Presidency?), and then made his own pronouncement that the government is in contempt of court!

This is not “speaking truth to power,” as Jang might want to believe, but simply making up storied and issuing pretend court decisions. It’s just silly.

But the paranoia does not stop there. Today’s The News features an unattributed article that claims that government is preparing fake tapes of Jang reporters. The article does not provide any sources, only saying that “highly reliable sources” have told him that

Surprisingly, however, in a departure from the past practice the smear campaign shall not be carried out by the Interior Ministry, but actually is being overseen by a group of intelligence functionaries considered very close to the bosses of the Law Ministry.

In order to believe this, you have to believe that the government is carrying out a super-top-secret plan to create fake tapes, and that they are telling the people who are targeted. It simply makes no sense.

Reading the list of supposed targets, though, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

The hit list comprises (so far): Hamid Mir (Host, Capital Talk), Shaheen Sehbai (Group Editor, The News), Ansar Abbassi (Editor Investigations, The News) Mohammad Malick (Resident Editor, The News Islamabad-Rawalpindi), Kamran Khan (Host, Aaj Kamran Khan Kay Saath) and Dr Shahid Masood (Host, Meray Mutabiq).

Ah, yes. Six of the most inflated egos in journalism today. Also six of the people who are, quite frankly, some of the worst journalists around. Certainly each of these would love to believe that the entire government was focused on him. While they are preening their pretty haircuts, they fantasize about being the heroes of the modern world fighting against the ‘fascists’ that were elected by the people.

If we could run power plants on the egos of some of our journalists, we would not have any energy crisis for centuries. Sadly, one of the many side-effects of an inflated ego is a growing sense of paranoia. The egoist believes that everyone is out to get him, even though the truth is most people don’t even care about him. There seems to be a growing sense of paranoia within Jang. Let’s hope they are able to find a little bit of humilty before their paranoia consumes them completely.

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Posted in Jang | 17 Comments »

Hamid Mir Saga Continues

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

The Hamid Mir conspiracy saga continues with more news organizations speaking up about the charges.

Today, Dawn adds their voice to the debate in the following editorial:

Geo TV's Hamid Mir Accused of Conspiracy

If the person on the line is indeed Mr Mir, an explanation is in order about his possible ties with militant organisations. He must also answer allegations that the information he ostensibly provided may have contributed to the killing of Khalid Khawaja, a former ISI official belonging to the air force who had been abducted by the Taliban. Mr Khawaja, believed by many to be a Taliban sympathiser, is repeatedly described as a CIA agent by the man who sounds uncannily like Hamid Mir.

Mr Khawaja and his wife are also held responsible in part for the bloodbath at Islamabad’s Lal Masjid. The person on the phone also spews venom of the vilest kind on the Ahmadi community. Slain Taliban leaders are referred to as martyrs.

Mr Mir denies most of the conversation and has served legal notice on the paper that broke the story. He claims that he and the organisation that employs him are being victimised for their consistent criticism of the PPP government and President Zardari in particular. Hamid Mir, who is not short of detractors even within the media, also maintains that the audio ‘recording’ is the work of the Intelligence Bureau which took a voice sample and then produced an entire conversation with the help of a “special gadget.”

Mr Mir has every right to proclaim his innocence but that alone will not suffice. In this digital age it is child’s play for independent experts to confirm whether or not the voice on the tape is Mr Mir’s. It is just as simple to distinguish a doctored recording from an unedited conversation. The credibility of the media is at stake here. What is needed is an investigation that is carried out with an open mind and whose outcome is accepted and acted upon by all parties. This is imperative if allegations of unethical conduct by the media and charges of dirty tricks by the government are to be laid to rest.

Hamid Mir has responded to the original story by sending legal notices claiming defamation and demanding a written apology and Rs 250 Million.

GEO News Islamabad Executive Editor Hamid Mir has sent legal notices to the publisher, editor and staff reporter of Daily Times, as well as the chief executive of TV channel Business Plus for publishing and telecasting “defamatory material against him”.

Mir claimed that the story carried and telecast by the newspaper and the channel, respectively, was “based on malafide intentions and had lowered him in the estimation of general public as the enemy of the state”.

Mir has demanded a written apology within 14 days and its publication in the newspaper and has asked the respondents to pay damages worth Rs 250 million in compensation, else legal action would be taken.

But Hamid Mir is not the only person sending legal notices, it seems. Reports today indicate that Khalid Khwaja’s son Osama Khalid has told reporters at Dawn that his family will be registering a case against Hamid Mir for being instrumental in his father’s murder.

On Wednesday, the family of Khalid Khwaja, the ISI official who was kidnapped by a militant group in the Tribal Areas in late March and subsequently killed, declared their intentions of getting a case registered against the television anchor, Hamid Mir.

“We will be first going to the police and also to the Supreme Court in a few days’ time to get a case registered against Mir for being instrumental in the murder of my father by Punjabi Taliban,” Osama Khalid, son of Khalid Khwaja, told Dawn by telephone on Wednesday.

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Posted in Geo TV, Jang | 9 Comments »

The Secret Lives of Pakistan’s Journalists

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

The Hamid Mir conspiracy case has raised an important issue that deserves some real discussion. The issue is the secret associations that exist within the brotherhood of journalists in Pakistan.

Certainly all people have opinions about important issues, and journalists – by the nature of their work – talk to people involved in all sorts of political activity both good and bad. But Pakistan has a set of groups within the journalist community that have either intentionally or unwittingly been part of political activity.

Ayesha Siddiqa made this point a few days ago, and today Nadeem Paracha continues the examination of the problem on Dawn Blog in a must-read post:

(more…)

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Posted in Dawn | 3 Comments »

Geo’s Hamid Mir: Conspiracy Theorist Charged with Conspiracy

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
Geo TV's Hamid Mir Accused of Conspiracy

Geo TV's Hamid Mir Accused of Conspiracy

I have been holding off on this story for a while just because I wanted to see if it actually developed into anything. Sometimes these things pop up, but then quickly disappear if there’s nothing to them. Actually, I will not take any opinion about the validity of the charges, but I think that since the issue involves a major media organization and the story has begun to be reported in the international press, it is worthwhile to examine the facts.

The story involves Hamid Mir who works for Geo TV. He is accused of instigating the murder of Khalid Khawaja, and ex-ISI official, by Taliban kidnappers.

What is the story?

In order to get beyond the suspicions and rumours that seem to be surrounding much of this story, let’s look at how this incident was reported by the UK newspaper Guardian. I have removed paragraphs about reactions to the incident to put together a basic storyline. We will look at Hamid Mir and other reactions to the story directly also.

The tape purports to be a recording of a phone conversation between the journalist, Hamid Mir, and a Taliban spokesman about the fate of Khalid Khawaja, a former intelligence agent being held by the Taliban.

In the tape Mir describes Khawaja as a CIA collaborator, questions his Islamic credentials, and accuses him of playing a treacherous role in the 2007 Red Mosque siege in which more than 100 people, including the chief cleric, were killed. When the abductor asks the journalist whether Khawaja should be released, he urges him to further interrogate him.

Last month Khawaja’s bullet-pocked body was found on a roadside in Waziristan with a warning note to other “American spies”.

…

The Taliban added to the controversy by issuing a statement that denied the tape was real but, confusingly, threatened the state telephone company for having taped the conversation.

…

On 24 April the Taliban issued a video showing a strained-looking Khawaja admitting to having worked for the CIA and betrayed the Red Mosque clerics.

A week later, after his execution, Mir wrote a detailed account of Khawaja’s life. He recycled the allegations against the former ISI agent, attributing them to militant sources.

Hamid Mir Responds

Hamid Mir publicly responded to the charges against him in a column for The News, the newspaper owned by Jang Group which also owns Geo TV on which his show appears. Calling the story a “grand plot against media.”

On his Facebook page, Hamid Mir threatened legal action against Daily Times and some blogs for publishing the story.

‘We are taking legal action against Daily Times(owned by Salman Taseer) and some US based blogs supervised by Mr.Hussain Haqqani for hatching a conspiracy against Hamid Mir by using a fabricated tape.’

The blog Let Us Build Pakistan, an independent blog of PPP supporters, has been tracking the story closely, since May 14 when they published the recording of Hamid Mir.

Daily Times has also responded to the legal threats from Hamid Mir today in its editorial:

In DT’s editorial “Shocking revelations” (May 17, 2010), we argued: “There should be a thorough investigation into the matter by the security agencies. It should first be ascertained whether it was actually Hamid Mir or an impersonator on the audiotape.” We did not pass judgment on the genuineness or otherwise of the audiotape, but left room for the possibility that it was a forgery, as Mir has subsequently claimed amidst his loud protestations of innocence. In an inadvertent admission, however, he says the audiotape is an amalgam of bits and pieces of other conversations (innocent journalistic exchanges, according to him). Even if this is conceded, there is sufficient in the ‘bits and pieces’ to arouse alarm. Surely Mr Mir should welcome the opportunity to clear his name if the tape is indeed a forgery. On the other hand, if it turns out to be genuine, Mir has a lot to answer for and the law should take its course. The country is in the middle of a life-or-death struggle against the homegrown jihadis who have declared war on the state. Journalists, who are engaged in an increasingly precarious and dangerous profession in conflict areas, may be required for professional reasons to keep lines of communication open with the ‘enemy’. However, this does not give anyone, journalist or not, room to transcend the law of the land or the ethics of his profession. If the tape is genuine and Mir did say the things about Khalid Khwaja that are on the tape, a prima facie case is made out for his arraignment on charges that could include being an accessory before the fact to the murder that followed, as well as in possible violation of the Army Act (applicable to civilians in times of war). The statement released by the Tehreek-i-Taliban Pakistan denying the contents of the tape and trying to clear our intrepid anchor’s name has done more to muddy Hamid Mir’s case than anyone else could have.

Other Journalists Weigh In

Ayesha Sidiqqa is a regular contributor to Dawn, and has a Ph.D. in War Studies from King’s College, University of London. She has written two books on Pakistan’s military. On her blog, Dr. Sidiqqa writes,

Is the man conversing with, whats alleged as a member of the Punjabi Taliban, Hamid Mir? The simple answer is yes. The man in the tape is Hamid Mir beyond doubt. The voice and style of conversation is his. I have had conversations with him on several occasions and he breaks stories in this very style. The conversation should not surprise people as Hamid Mir has old links with the Islamiscts and the intelligence agencies. In the world of the armed forces information is difficult to access. Relatively better access to information comes at a price which Hamid Mir and many other journalists in the world, particularly Pakistan pay happily. There is not a single journalist, especially on the electronic media who comments on national security and is not fed by the military. I remember one very popular journalist who even writes for foreign press. He is considered an authority on military affairs. The poor chap cannot tell the front of a submarine from its back. Planting people in the media and intelligentsia is an old trick. The only matter of concern really is that how and why is the audio recording made available on the net? The real story is the disclosure rather than the conversation.

UPDATE: Journalist and former BBC correspondent Shahid Malik writes in an email today:

Award winning journalist and documentary maker Asad Qureshi life is under severe danger of being cut short by his captives in Waziristan. Hamid Mir claiming that the famous tape recording is fake and fabricated is naked lie, for no ones voice can be faked perfectly, as it is like your finger print and the voice on the tape certainly does belong to Hamid Mir. TTP member has supposedly come forward in support of him claiming it to be fake also.
As Hamid Mir is the only known clue to who have abducted Asad Qureshi as he is in touch with them, he should be questioned ASAP to recover Asad from his captors. The media trial and or taing sides can go on, but a stake is a innocent life and that also of the one of our best reporter/ director and documentary maker. Please to check the credentials of Asad Qureshi at www.imdb.com and also look at his award winning documentary on the 2005 earth quake and Wazirisan called ‘Wana Olives’ and many others.

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Posted in Geo TV, Jang | 4 Comments »

TV Awards Night

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

The latest from Nadeem Paracha’s satire is brilliant.

TV AwardsHello people, and welcome to the First Annual Pakistani Private TV Channels Awards. I, Wamid Mir, will be your host for the evening and with me will be the lovely, Dr. Shireen Blackwater Baymaari. Let’s kick off this grand event, but first, a choti se break, and a word from our main sponsors, Aafia Fairness Cream.

Yes, people, every Pakistani daughter, wife, mother and sister should be using this cream, made from natural Jalalabad almonds, ripe Swati lemons, and scintillating Afghan gun powder extracts. Experience a great sense of non-Caucasian fairness with Aafia Fairness Cream … otherwise you’re a traitor!

Over to you Shireen.

Thank you, Wamid. I hate the US!

That’s nice to know, Shireen. Now, can we know who the nominees for our first award are?

No! Not unless you expel the Blackwater agents planted within the audience.

Okay. Can you help us pinpoint them?

There! There’s one!

What? That’s an empty chair!

Well, that’s what Blackwater would want you to believe. Get him out!

Right. We will. Now can you please announce the nominees for our first award?

Okay. The first award is for the Loudest Talk Show Host. And the nominees are: Dr. Deafeningly  Danish and  Meher Blah Brunette Bokhari.

And the winner is: Dr. Deafeningly Danish!  Dr. Deafening, please come up the stage and accept your award.

THANK YOU, SHIREEN!! THANK YOU WAMID! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

Ahem, yes, we can Dr. Deafening. Can you kindly take the award without delivering a speech? I don’t think our mics and speakers have enough watts in them to handle your voice.

OKAY, WAMID SAHIB! AND SORRY, MEHER, I BEAT YOU!!

OH, YOU SHUT UP, YOU URDU-MEDIUM MAN-SIREN!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!! I AM LOUDER AND DUMBER! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

We can hear you both loud and clear. Now will you kindly keep quiet?

OKAY!

Phew. Thank you. Do I hear whistling in the hall, or is it just my ears ringing? Anyway, on to our next award. Shireen, can you take us through it?

No!

Now what?

I can see CIA agents.

Where?

In your ears.

In my ears? But it’s just wax.

Precisely.

Okay, I’ll get rid of it.

Good boy. Okay, our next award is for the most Blessedly Warped TV Personality. And the nominees are: Zion Hamid; Dr. Aamer Aafat; and Dr. Shahid Barood. This is a tough one. But, alas, the winner is the great Zion Hamid. Zion sahib, kindly come and take your award from Wamid Mir saheb.

Zion sahib is in India at the moment, Shireen. He will be with us via satellite. You can see and hear his acceptance speech on this big screen behind me. Yes, Mr. Zion.

Hello, Wamid. Hello people. I am speaking to you live from the Red Fort in New Delhi. And I want to give the nation the good news that my army has taken over India. Rejoice!

That’s India? You are sitting in front of a video backdrop of the Red Fort.

Shut-up, Wamid. What do you know? You’re a CIA agent, anyway. I am in India, and to prove it, I have with me, Muhammad Bin Qasim! Say hello to our brothers and sisters in Pakistan, Qasim bhai.

That’s Ali Azmat!

Shut-up, Wamid. He is Muhammad Bin Qasim. Every Pakistani is Muhammad Bin Qasim!

Even the women?

Especially the women! Have you ever seen Maria B without make-up?

You are making fun of your own supporter?

We are at war. And war is fun.

Err … Zion sahib, the Red Fort backdrop was just replaced by a backdrop of a beach in Honolulu.

It was? Oh … umm … that’s not Honolulu. That’s a beach near Mumbai.

Really? Since when have Mumbai beaches got Hawaiian women dancing on them?

Well … err … its tourism season here in Mumbai.

But we thought you were in Delhi.

I am! I can prove it. I have with me Aishwarya Rai. Say hello to your new rulers, sister Aishwarya.

What? That’s Ahmed Qureshi in a sari!

How dare you! Enough! I can’t accept this stupid USA-India-UK-Papua New Guinea-sponsored award of yours. I have better things to do.

Like what?

Like conquering Israel! My next speech to the nation will be delivered from Tel Aviv.

I see. Well, good luck, Zion sahib. By the way, before you go, just wanted to tell you your backdrop has changed again. And it looks very much like Disney Land.

Alhamdulillah! It seems we’ve conquered the United States as well. Rejoice!

So, Shireen, whom do you want to give this award to now?

Well, I always thought the award should have been shared by all the nominees. They’re all so blessed. Come on up, guys, come to mama, and take your Most Blessedly Warped TV Personality Award!

Nice. Shahid Barood, would you like to say something?

I can’t, Wamid. The evil government is out to destroy me. I’m in hiding.

But you’re right here. We can see you.

No, Wamid, you can’t. I’m not here.

You are very much here, now speak!

Mama Shireen, kindly explain the sensitivity of the issue to Wamid.

Wamid, since Barood is in hiding, we’ll have to call Aamer Aafat to receive this prestigious award.

But he’s right here. I can see him. You can see him. The whole world can see him!

See who?

Shahid Barood!

Where?

Here! Right in front of you!

Stop hallucinating, Wamid. It seems that ear-wax of yours has gotten into your eyes as well. Good luck, Barood, wherever you are, and may the force of brave journalism be with you.

Thank you, mom, I will only come out of hiding after this corrupt government is toppled by gallant journalists like you and me.

Hey, me too!

Okay, you too, Wamid.

Thanks, Shahid.

Sigh. Life is not easy when one’s in hiding.

Where are you hiding?

I am in a bunker designed specially by Peo TV for my brilliant talk show, ‘Meray MutaBak-Bak.’

Well, good luck to you, my brave friend. Let me shake your hand. Oh, my, your palms are so cold. Do meet us whenever you come out of hiding.

I will, I wish you could see the state I am in.

But I can.

No you can’t!

Of course, I can’t.  My bad. Anyway, Dr. Aamer Aafat, kindly collect the award from us.

Jazzakallah! Jazzakallah! I am honored. How much money am I getting with this award?

Err … none.

Mahshallah. And may I know how much money you are getting to host this show?

As much as you are getting to do that show of yours, ‘Zaalim Online.’

Alhamdulillah. Really happy to hear that. You see, brothers …

I’m a sister, dimwit!

Oh, a thousand apologies, sister Shireen. Wah! Kya naam hai. Shireen. The Sweetening. Mashallah.

Shukriah.

No, sister. Say Jazzakallah. We are, after all, Arabs.

But my ancestors were Jats from Punjab.

Wamid bhai, Punjab is in Arabia.

No, it isn’t.

Yes, it is pyare bhai. Can I see the soles of your shoes?

They’re green.

No wonder. Brother, green is the colour of Islam, it is the colour of Pakistan, and now it is also the colour of my hair. Here, see the green streaking in my hair and beard? Lovely, isn’t it? But, brother, it can’t be the colour of the soles of your shoes.

What are you talking about? You have a garden in your house that has green grass and on which you walk. And the carpet you are standing on right now, its colour is green too!

No, brother, you are obviously mistaken. The carpet is black. Isn’t it, Sister Sweetening?

Yes, it is. Blackwater black!

And the grass of your garden. Is that black too?

Arey, Wamid bhai. What are we talking about? Let’s talk about the message of love and peace that our faith gives. Let’s go out and stone a few heathens, lynch a few Jews, flog some women and …

Let’s just move on, shall we. The next award is for the most Ubiquitous Talk Show Guest. And the nominees are: Gymran Khan; Marvi Siren; Sansar Abbasi; and Haroon-i-Islami. This award will be given by the famous TV hosts, Kamran Can’t and Javed Sermon Chudary. The winner is, the super-fit, Gymran Khan!

Wamid, Gymran is not here. He’s busy negotiating with the Taliban.

Thank you, Shireen. He must be up in the mountains of Waziristan then.

No. Zaman Park, Lahore.

What? There are Taliban in Zaman Park?

No, that’s the name of the area where Gym lives.

So Gym has invited the Taliban to his place?

No. He has invited Qazi Hussain Ahmed.

So who is negotiating with the Taliban then?

Gym is, of course.

But he’s in Lahore.

So where else should he be? Mars?

He should be where the Taliban are!

Where are the Taliban?

Waziristan, Swat, Bannu, South Punjab …

Lies! All Blackwater propaganda!

Then with whom is Gym negotiating, if there are no Taliban?

I never said that!

You just did. Kamran Can’t is a witness. Right, Kamran?

Corruption, Zardari, Zardari corruption, Zardari, corruption, corruption, Zardari …

Never mind. Well, folks, I guess that’s about it. Take care of yourself, and I hope you enjoyed this disaster, but we are proud of it because it’s our very own disaster … and a mighty lucrative one as well.

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Shireen Mazari: Ann Coulter of Pakistan

Friday, December 25th, 2009

The coming article about Shireen Mazari is a real eye-opener. “Slander: Meet the Ann Coulter of Pakistan”, paints a quite unflattering picture of a friendless, bitter, paranoid old woman who sees spies and enemies everywhere.  People like this are not uncommon. We see them in markets every day. Shireen Mazari is different, though, because she has a platform in the national media.

Here’s a sneak peek:

IN LATE AUGUST, a couple of weeks after a U.S. drone strike incinerated Baitullah Mehsud, leader of the Pakistani Taliban, the country’s most popular televised chat show, “Capital Talk,” hosted a panel to discuss national security. Among the guests was a squat, middle-aged woman with short black hair, streaked with silver dye, named Shireen Mazari. A defense analyst and public intellectual, Mazari is known for her hawkish nationalism–and deep suspicions of India and the United States. Her presence in the studio suggested that, despite the enormous threat her country faced from homegrown terrorists, the conversation that night wouldn’t center around Mehsud or the Pakistani Taliban.

Instead, over the course of the next half hour, the panel discussed reports that Blackwater, the North Carolina-based defense contractor that recently changed its name to Xe Services, was operating in Pakistan. Hamid Mir, the host of “Capital Talk,” showed video footage of Islamabad’s most expensive neighborhoods, featuring multi-story villas with high walls and satellite dishes. The homes looked like any other on the street. But red arrows, superimposed on the screen, pointed to allegedly incriminating electrical generators and surveillance cameras perched atop the walls. “American undercover people are coming,” Mazari said. “They are renting homes, and Blackwater is providing security, running death squads and assassination squads … It is an occupation, by default.”

Mazari’s hunt for American spies and undercover defense contractors was only getting started. In September, she was named editor of The Nation, an English-language daily often described as “Fox News in Pakistan.” (Earlier this year, one columnist dubbed Mazari the “Ann Coulter of Pakistan.”) Throughout the fall, The Nation has published multiple front-page stories on the location of new “Blackwater dens” around Islamabad. It featured a news story last month titled “MYSTERIOUS US NATIONALS,” which described “two suspicious foreigners wandering in the guise of journalists … [who] seemingly belonged to the US spy agency CIA.” The proof? That they “were driven towards the US Consulate.” (The “mysterious US nationals” turned out to be an English freelance photographer and an Australian photographer who works for Getty.)

Later in the article, even Mazari’s fellow journalists say that she had gone over the edge and that since she has become editor of The Nation, the reporting in that newspaper has gone crazy. How crazy? So much that Taliban is using it as propaganda.

In the end, this article is really quite sad. Mazari is exposed as a pathetic figure. A paranoid woman filled with delusional fantasies that just never quite seem to work out when people check the facts. All Americans are spies. Anyone who disagrees with her is working for the spies. In fact, it is easy to come away from this article an imagine Shireen Mazari locked in her own kitchen with the lights off, having thrown out the cook for being a spy. Perhaps the rice was overcooked a bit too much. Is it a secret plot against her?

Stay tuned, dear readers, as this story unfolds. It promises to be quite juicy!

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Pakistan’s New Media Dictionary

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

The esteemed and very witty Nadeem Paracha has posted a satire of Pakistan’s media worthy of the greatest rewards on the Dawn blog. In case you haven’t seen it, here it is for your enlightenment. We only recommend that you do not try to read while drinking your chai, otherwise you may spill it on your computer while you are laughing!

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,’ which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice theirjihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption’ missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God’s approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar’ on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show’ on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.’

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you’d rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:
A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com: 
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan –  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies – so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it’s a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,’ jobs become ‘jaabs,’ Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,’ and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya’s recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood’s moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV’ or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.’
‘Eeeek …!’

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.’

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind: 
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn’t stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gulsahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ Why can’t his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:
A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he’s had a bit too much of Dr. Masood’s Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C’ in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:
A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N’ in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N’ in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:
The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban: 
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They’d rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat’s soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let’s march on Delhi, y’all!’ ‘Hindus are insects, y’all,’ ‘I love wars, y’all,’ ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y’all,’ ‘So is Maria B, y’all,’ ‘Even though she’s a woman, y’all.’ Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat’s tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.

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