Posts Tagged ‘Nadeem Paracha’

The Angry Media Act

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

The Angry Media Act

As was noted in the previous post about Zaid Hamid, it is a common misconception to believe that TV talk shows are “real.” What they are is entertainment. Just as WWE wrestling uses incredible and absurd theatrics to entertain people, so do the talk shows. Nadeem Paracha provides a behind the scenes look at this practice by TV producers (and now even other media types) of seeking out and encouraging the most sensational behaviour. For the sake of ratings, will they sacrifice the nation?

A friend of my brother’s, who is also the son of a pesh-imam, once told me an interesting incident. A bright young man doing an MBA, the imam’s son had decided to serve his father’s wish (nay holy insistence) on sporting a long beard. So, back in 2007, during Musharraf’s operation against the Lal Masjid fanatics, his university was visited by a team from a popular TV channel.

The team wanted to talk to some students about the Lal Masjid operation. After conducting a few on-the-spot interviews, the team then went looking for male and female students with beards and hijabs. One of them was the pesh-imam’s son. He was also asked by the team to become a guest on a political talk show. He agreed.

When he reached the studios he found himself among a group of about six more bearded young men and some women in burqas and hijab. They were all selected for the show by the channel from various universities and colleges.

After about half an hour, the assistant producer of the show addressed the students telling them about the format and topic of the show. The producer then told them that the channel expects them to ‘make the show interesting by exhibiting anger and disgust against the government (for its action against the Lal Masjid clerics).’

As a reference some of them were reminded (by the producer) of the way a burqa-clad guest (on the show) had hurled abuses and curses at the government ‘for killing innocent people holed-up (with guns, mind you) in the Lal Masjid.’

When the students were paraded on to the sets of the show, they were at once addressed by the host of the programme: ‘Ghusa karna hai, accha!” (You have to be angry, okay!), he reminded them.

Though the students tried their best to sound angry and offended by the Lal Masjid operation, the host did not seem happy with their performance. So, during the commercial break, he angrily asked the students to be more convincing: “Yeh log aap kay bhai aur bhenoon ko maar rahey hain,’ (These people are killing your brothers and sisters), he announced. “Kya aap ko in pe ghusa nahin araha?” (Aren’t you all feeling angry at them?).

The guest students were bemused because (according to the narrator of this incident), though they were all very ‘Islamic looking’ and conservative, none of them could relate to the militant ways of the Lal Masjid clerics. Just before the show came back on air, the host insisted that the students make a better attempt at exhibiting outrage against the operation.

So they tried again. But to no avail. The host was still not happy. He was, of course, comparing this performance with the one he got from the burqa-clad woman a few days before in which she had wailed and wept, swearing revenge against the government. This incident took place in 2007. Today, almost two years later, can we say that the ways of the Pakistani electronic media have got any better? Hardly. Things have actually gone from bad to worse. Every single day on one news channel or the other viewers can catch hours of terribly biased journalism in which, for example, one can see talk-show hosts running loathsome media trials of certain ‘corrupt’ politicians (as if the hosts and their employers were themselves in-the-clear to cast the first stones at dishonesty).

Worse still is the way some channels give an open floor to what are quite clearly mad men who unabashedly spout hatred and violence in the name of religion and nationalism. So one wonders, what is a bigger crime? A (media-confirmed, not court-proven) corrupt politician or a mad man in the disguise of a talk-show host; a preacher or an ‘expert’ glamorising hatred and violence?

It is quite a sight watching the so-called TV journalists — who would even struggle to win an election of a press club — demonstrating silly smug expressions and tones, behaving as if they were the true saviours of Pakistan. They actually believe this.

However, the truth is, if men (and some women) gladly sacrifice the concept of responsible (and sane) journalism just so they can pull off a sensational show that would win them fame and a bagful of corporate sponsors, if they are the ones claiming a ‘jihad against corruption’ and ‘patriotism,’ then God help us all.

Funeral For Zaid Hamid's Media Career?

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Zaid HamidOne common misconception with media occurs when people believe that if someone is on TV, they must be representing the opinions of a large group of people. After all, there are very many people, but only a small few are given airtime on TV.

Zaid Hamid is a a media personality who can be found on more than one TV channel, as well as across the internet. Because of his constant media presence, there is often the belief that his views are popular. However, Hamid’s group of conspiracy theorists has begun to splinter recently, with groups like Pakistan Youth Revolution distancing themselves from him.

Recently, Mr. Hamid staged an event meant to be a large rally of his supporters, but turned out to be a funeral for his career.

Nadeem Paracha explains what happened, and what this means for Zaid Hamid’s media machine, on DawnBlog today.

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TV Awards Night

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

The latest from Nadeem Paracha’s satire is brilliant.

TV AwardsHello people, and welcome to the First Annual Pakistani Private TV Channels Awards. I, Wamid Mir, will be your host for the evening and with me will be the lovely, Dr. Shireen Blackwater Baymaari. Let’s kick off this grand event, but first, a choti se break, and a word from our main sponsors, Aafia Fairness Cream.

Yes, people, every Pakistani daughter, wife, mother and sister should be using this cream, made from natural Jalalabad almonds, ripe Swati lemons, and scintillating Afghan gun powder extracts. Experience a great sense of non-Caucasian fairness with Aafia Fairness Cream … otherwise you’re a traitor!

Over to you Shireen.

Thank you, Wamid. I hate the US!

That’s nice to know, Shireen. Now, can we know who the nominees for our first award are?

No! Not unless you expel the Blackwater agents planted within the audience.

Okay. Can you help us pinpoint them?

There! There’s one!

What? That’s an empty chair!

Well, that’s what Blackwater would want you to believe. Get him out!

Right. We will. Now can you please announce the nominees for our first award?

Okay. The first award is for the Loudest Talk Show Host. And the nominees are: Dr. Deafeningly  Danish and  Meher Blah Brunette Bokhari.

And the winner is: Dr. Deafeningly Danish!  Dr. Deafening, please come up the stage and accept your award.

THANK YOU, SHIREEN!! THANK YOU WAMID! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

Ahem, yes, we can Dr. Deafening. Can you kindly take the award without delivering a speech? I don’t think our mics and speakers have enough watts in them to handle your voice.

OKAY, WAMID SAHIB! AND SORRY, MEHER, I BEAT YOU!!

OH, YOU SHUT UP, YOU URDU-MEDIUM MAN-SIREN!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!! I AM LOUDER AND DUMBER! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

We can hear you both loud and clear. Now will you kindly keep quiet?

OKAY!

Phew. Thank you. Do I hear whistling in the hall, or is it just my ears ringing? Anyway, on to our next award. Shireen, can you take us through it?

No!

Now what?

I can see CIA agents.

Where?

In your ears.

In my ears? But it’s just wax.

Precisely.

Okay, I’ll get rid of it.

Good boy. Okay, our next award is for the most Blessedly Warped TV Personality. And the nominees are: Zion Hamid; Dr. Aamer Aafat; and Dr. Shahid Barood. This is a tough one. But, alas, the winner is the great Zion Hamid. Zion sahib, kindly come and take your award from Wamid Mir saheb.

Zion sahib is in India at the moment, Shireen. He will be with us via satellite. You can see and hear his acceptance speech on this big screen behind me. Yes, Mr. Zion.

Hello, Wamid. Hello people. I am speaking to you live from the Red Fort in New Delhi. And I want to give the nation the good news that my army has taken over India. Rejoice!

That’s India? You are sitting in front of a video backdrop of the Red Fort.

Shut-up, Wamid. What do you know? You’re a CIA agent, anyway. I am in India, and to prove it, I have with me, Muhammad Bin Qasim! Say hello to our brothers and sisters in Pakistan, Qasim bhai.

That’s Ali Azmat!

Shut-up, Wamid. He is Muhammad Bin Qasim. Every Pakistani is Muhammad Bin Qasim!

Even the women?

Especially the women! Have you ever seen Maria B without make-up?

You are making fun of your own supporter?

We are at war. And war is fun.

Err … Zion sahib, the Red Fort backdrop was just replaced by a backdrop of a beach in Honolulu.

It was? Oh … umm … that’s not Honolulu. That’s a beach near Mumbai.

Really? Since when have Mumbai beaches got Hawaiian women dancing on them?

Well … err … its tourism season here in Mumbai.

But we thought you were in Delhi.

I am! I can prove it. I have with me Aishwarya Rai. Say hello to your new rulers, sister Aishwarya.

What? That’s Ahmed Qureshi in a sari!

How dare you! Enough! I can’t accept this stupid USA-India-UK-Papua New Guinea-sponsored award of yours. I have better things to do.

Like what?

Like conquering Israel! My next speech to the nation will be delivered from Tel Aviv.

I see. Well, good luck, Zion sahib. By the way, before you go, just wanted to tell you your backdrop has changed again. And it looks very much like Disney Land.

Alhamdulillah! It seems we’ve conquered the United States as well. Rejoice!

So, Shireen, whom do you want to give this award to now?

Well, I always thought the award should have been shared by all the nominees. They’re all so blessed. Come on up, guys, come to mama, and take your Most Blessedly Warped TV Personality Award!

Nice. Shahid Barood, would you like to say something?

I can’t, Wamid. The evil government is out to destroy me. I’m in hiding.

But you’re right here. We can see you.

No, Wamid, you can’t. I’m not here.

You are very much here, now speak!

Mama Shireen, kindly explain the sensitivity of the issue to Wamid.

Wamid, since Barood is in hiding, we’ll have to call Aamer Aafat to receive this prestigious award.

But he’s right here. I can see him. You can see him. The whole world can see him!

See who?

Shahid Barood!

Where?

Here! Right in front of you!

Stop hallucinating, Wamid. It seems that ear-wax of yours has gotten into your eyes as well. Good luck, Barood, wherever you are, and may the force of brave journalism be with you.

Thank you, mom, I will only come out of hiding after this corrupt government is toppled by gallant journalists like you and me.

Hey, me too!

Okay, you too, Wamid.

Thanks, Shahid.

Sigh. Life is not easy when one’s in hiding.

Where are you hiding?

I am in a bunker designed specially by Peo TV for my brilliant talk show, ‘Meray MutaBak-Bak.’

Well, good luck to you, my brave friend. Let me shake your hand. Oh, my, your palms are so cold. Do meet us whenever you come out of hiding.

I will, I wish you could see the state I am in.

But I can.

No you can’t!

Of course, I can’t.  My bad. Anyway, Dr. Aamer Aafat, kindly collect the award from us.

Jazzakallah! Jazzakallah! I am honored. How much money am I getting with this award?

Err … none.

Mahshallah. And may I know how much money you are getting to host this show?

As much as you are getting to do that show of yours, ‘Zaalim Online.’

Alhamdulillah. Really happy to hear that. You see, brothers …

I’m a sister, dimwit!

Oh, a thousand apologies, sister Shireen. Wah! Kya naam hai. Shireen. The Sweetening. Mashallah.

Shukriah.

No, sister. Say Jazzakallah. We are, after all, Arabs.

But my ancestors were Jats from Punjab.

Wamid bhai, Punjab is in Arabia.

No, it isn’t.

Yes, it is pyare bhai. Can I see the soles of your shoes?

They’re green.

No wonder. Brother, green is the colour of Islam, it is the colour of Pakistan, and now it is also the colour of my hair. Here, see the green streaking in my hair and beard? Lovely, isn’t it? But, brother, it can’t be the colour of the soles of your shoes.

What are you talking about? You have a garden in your house that has green grass and on which you walk. And the carpet you are standing on right now, its colour is green too!

No, brother, you are obviously mistaken. The carpet is black. Isn’t it, Sister Sweetening?

Yes, it is. Blackwater black!

And the grass of your garden. Is that black too?

Arey, Wamid bhai. What are we talking about? Let’s talk about the message of love and peace that our faith gives. Let’s go out and stone a few heathens, lynch a few Jews, flog some women and …

Let’s just move on, shall we. The next award is for the most Ubiquitous Talk Show Guest. And the nominees are: Gymran Khan; Marvi Siren; Sansar Abbasi; and Haroon-i-Islami. This award will be given by the famous TV hosts, Kamran Can’t and Javed Sermon Chudary. The winner is, the super-fit, Gymran Khan!

Wamid, Gymran is not here. He’s busy negotiating with the Taliban.

Thank you, Shireen. He must be up in the mountains of Waziristan then.

No. Zaman Park, Lahore.

What? There are Taliban in Zaman Park?

No, that’s the name of the area where Gym lives.

So Gym has invited the Taliban to his place?

No. He has invited Qazi Hussain Ahmed.

So who is negotiating with the Taliban then?

Gym is, of course.

But he’s in Lahore.

So where else should he be? Mars?

He should be where the Taliban are!

Where are the Taliban?

Waziristan, Swat, Bannu, South Punjab …

Lies! All Blackwater propaganda!

Then with whom is Gym negotiating, if there are no Taliban?

I never said that!

You just did. Kamran Can’t is a witness. Right, Kamran?

Corruption, Zardari, Zardari corruption, Zardari, corruption, corruption, Zardari …

Never mind. Well, folks, I guess that’s about it. Take care of yourself, and I hope you enjoyed this disaster, but we are proud of it because it’s our very own disaster … and a mighty lucrative one as well.

Babble Media Mujahids

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

Nadeem Paracha never fails to leave me laughing. Today’s Dawn includes his latest “Smoker’s Corner” about the media Talibans or what he calls “Babble Media Mujahids.” In his usual biting manner, Mr. Paracha’s witty satire really puts the ridiculous of some of the media talking heads into perspective. As infuriating as it is to read or listen to these individuals, if you sit back and look at them through the lens of Mr. Paracha’s satire, you really see them for the silly little people that they are. It is like the story of the Emporer’s Clothes. Everyone takes these chattering heads so seriously, but then Paracha comes around and says, “What are you people doing? These people are not wearing any clothes!” and the ridiculousness of the BMMs is finally easy for everyone to see.

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Media continues to be source of international embarrassment

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

The media continues to be a source of international embarrassment for Pakistan. Not only is there the upcoming article about Shireen Marazi in the magazine The New Republic, but a recent article in The Washington Times by veteran journalist and Editor-at-Large of United Press Intertnational Arnaud de Borchgrave paints a particularly unflattering picture of our national media.

In a satirical piece on Pakistan’s “New Media Dictionary,” Nadeem F. Paracha described “conspiracy theory” as “a theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistan’s TV channels,” where anything goes and where 90 percent of Pakistanis get their news.

For America’s television coloratura of right and left, the modus operandi is to mold rather than inform. In Pakistan, they do more than mold – they fake it. The overwhelming majority of Pakistanis believe Sept. 11, 2001, was the work of two co-conspirators – Mossad and the CIA.

The broadcasts of World War II’s Tokyo Rose were tame compared to some of the outpourings on Pakistani’s 50 TV channels. And “anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids,” Mr. Paracha adds, “is a Mossad/CIA/RAW [Indian] … agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during Ghazwa-ul Hind in 2012″ – the year of the forecast conquest of India by Muslims, which is also the year of a growing pile of apocalyptic warnings and anxieties about the end of the 5,125-year Mayan calendar. Armageddon is around the corner.

It is bad enough that conspiracy theorists and yellow journalists are creating distractions and confusion within Pakistan. But the fact that they continue to be a source of international embarrassment is confounding. Have these so-called journalists no shame? Where is the “Ghairat Lobby” when you need them?

Media Gives Pro-Taliban Parties Undue Attention

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Nadeem Paracha’s column written in the aftermath of the horrible attack in Karachi makes an important point about the effect of media on politics, and how certain media outlets are giving an outsized bullhorn to pro-Taliban political parties.

It is interesting to note, that though parties such as the Jamat-i-Islami and Imran Khan’s Tehrik-e-Insaaf have largely been ineffectual players in the bigger game of electoral politics, they have however managed to take their stance of the war and the Taliban on the mainstream platform through the electronic media.

Thus, the mainstream electronic media too has come under fire from the allied ruling parties for constantly giving vent to the ‘pro-Taliban’ and populist sentiments of unelected politicians and certain conservative journalists and columnists who – even after dozens of suicide attacks owned up by the Taliban recently – have continued to point the finger towards the US and India.

Even the large amount of proof now available to point towards the direct involvement of the local Taliban in the terrorist attacks in Pakistan it seems has not been able to make these politicians, and electronic and print journalists, change their populist and largely demagogic stand on the issue.

There is not a natural sympathy for these right-wing points of view in the country. That is not to say that these political parties should not be allowed to voice their opinions — quite the opposite, in fact. But the freedom to say your opinion does not guarantee you a free bullhorn to amplify your voice.

By giving Taliban sympathizers a platform from which to shout their message, these media outlets are making it look like there is some credibility or popularity for these points of view, rather than the more moderate and naturally inclined opinions of most Pakistanis.

As a result, conspiracy theories and blaming some foreign country for our problems becomes the mindset of people influenced by what they see and hear on TV. This despite the fact, as Nadeem well notes, that there is overwhelming evidence that the actual culprits in these attacks are Taliban. 

Some media personalities and TV anchors have particular right-wing agendas that are well documented. Some are simply sensationalist in the drive to build their ratings and viewership. These ‘Media Taliban’ are doing a disservice to journalism and the nation.

Nadeem Paracha: Waltz with the NRO

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Regular readers know that we are big fans of Nadeem Paracha. He represents what is good about journalism — being critical, but fair; being intelligent, but accessible; putting solid analysis before fantasy; and most of all, his willingness to take his fellow media personalities to task when they are ridiculous.

This week, of course, he takes aim at the response to the NRO verdict and the ‘hyperventilating’ that came from every famous TV anchor:

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Pakistan's New Media Dictionary

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

The esteemed and very witty Nadeem Paracha has posted a satire of Pakistan’s media worthy of the greatest rewards on the Dawn blog. In case you haven’t seen it, here it is for your enlightenment. We only recommend that you do not try to read while drinking your chai, otherwise you may spill it on your computer while you are laughing!

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,’ which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice theirjihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption’ missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God’s approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar’ on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show’ on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.’

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you’d rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:

A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com: 
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan –  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies – so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it’s a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,’ jobs become ‘jaabs,’ Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,’ and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya’s recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood’s moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV’ or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.’
‘Eeeek …!’

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.’

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind: 
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn’t stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gulsahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ Why can’t his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:

A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he’s had a bit too much of Dr. Masood’s Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C’ in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:

A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N’ in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N’ in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:

The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban: 
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They’d rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat’s soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let’s march on Delhi, y’all!’ ‘Hindus are insects, y’all,’ ‘I love wars, y’all,’ ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y’all,’ ‘So is Maria B, y’all,’ ‘Even though she’s a woman, y’all.’ Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat’s tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.

Nadeem Paracha: The myths, the madness, and the media

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Nadeem Paracha who is quickly becoming a major voice of reason in the popular media has a new blog post today on Dawn.com that takes to task the talking heads of the media for irresponsible and sensationalist reporting. 

After talking of the dangerously concocted narratives peddled by the state, government, and religious parties of Pakistan that I mentioned in my last blog, let’s now turn our attention towards the political and social narratives emerging from the country’s highly animated electronic media.

Still basking (nay, indulgently bathing) in the sudden spat of freedom provided during the early years of General Pervez Musharraf, the private TV news channels, initially in their attempt to differ from the confining traditions of state-owned television, emerged sounding largely progressive and remaining as close to ‘objectivity’ as was possible – at least until they discovered the commercial wonders of what is called the political ‘talk show.’

It wasn’t until early 2006 that many of these talk shows started to devolve and mutate into the kind of rampant and anarchic ogres that they are today. Many of them actually did a wonderful job passionately reporting the tragic 2005 earthquake in Kashmir, in the process also facilitating the unprecedented interest that common Pakistanis exhibited in helping the quake victims.

But, alas, it seems this episode, which, I believe, finally brought the private electronic media into the forefront, had a rather disastrous impact on the nascent egos of various talk show hosts and TV reporters.

Suddenly, they took the noble idea of missionary journalism, and instead of continuing to tread on the ‘objective middle ground,’ began moving way towards the populist right. And what’s more, once their bosses decided that this new trajectory was actually generating better monetary results (à la FOX News), the channels never looked back, sloganeering all the way to the bank!

Personalities such as Shahid Masood, Hamid Mir, Talat Hussain, Kashif Abbasi, Ansar Abbasi, Zaid Hamid, Shireen Mazari have all emerged from the abovementioned scenario. As part of this largely reactionary and at the same time monetarily cynical phenomenon is the transformation of non-media personalities into regular TV feasts.

These include men and women who have become mainstays on talk shows as ‘guests’. Retired generals, small-time politicians, vernacular columnists and urban maulvis whose job it is to maintain the duration of their individual 15 minutes of fame by  sounding off the talk show hosts’ populist and flammable innuendos.

Since the Taliban and the inhuman havoc they’ve been perpetrating is the single most critical issue impacting the country at this very moment, let’s evaluate the popular news channels’ handling of this ordeal.

Recently, many TV talk show hosts and their favourite sounding boards (‘guests’), have come under fire from certain ‘liberal’ sections belonging to the print media, academia, and in the blogsphere.

The more sensationalist and unsubstantiated accusations against some talk show hosts of being ‘ISI agents’ and ‘extremists’ can be put aside as subjective groaning. But then so can what usually comes out of the mouths of many hosts and their guests.

In the last three years at least, TV talk shows have openly thrived on building whole ‘debates’ and arguments on what almost entirely belongs in the floozy and demagogic conspiracy theory sphere.

The topics of the show may have a ring of intellectualism and serious policy matters, but it does not take much time for the so-called ‘debate’ to spiral down into sloganeering, wild theory casting (by the ‘guests’) and self-righteous preaching (by the hosts).

I use the word self-righteous because even though most talk show hosts are having a heck of a time being this new kind of TV celebrity with impressive material and social perks, their rhetoric seems to be surfacing from a besieged mindset. Without having any qualms or need for humility or modesty, they are quick to present themselves as heroes, besieged by the powers that be.

The truth is, the media has never been in the kind of free-floating situation it is today. Though the Musharraf regime blundered by putting an old-fashioned authoritarian cap on it in 2007 – not for entirely wrong reasons, mind you – the current coalition government led by the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP), is actually the one finding its democratic credentials taken hostage by a hostile electronic media that is sumptuously feeding upon the many lingering misconceptions about popular democracy that still linger in the minds of Pakistanis.

So what is that narrative echoing in the corridors of the TV news channels that is making some of us suspect the ideological and political dispositions of so many talk show hosts? One way to find out is to track this narrative’s evolution, especially in regards to the matters of terrorism and extremism.

Till 2003, when, comparatively speaking, suicide bombings were a rare occurrence in Pakistan, they were reported by the newly inaugurated private TV channels as part of a simple narrative: the bombings were being undertaken by indigenous sectarian organisations in cahoots with Al Qaeda in reaction to the United States’ post-9/11 action in Afghanistan.

The narrative was simple, but there was a lot of truth in it as well. Even till this day, sectarian organisations such as the (supposedly banned) Sipah-Sehaba  and Lashkar-e-Taiba are believed to be doing the ground work for the Taliban and shady Al Qaeda elements.

In the wake of Pakistan’s more aggressive involvement in the US-run ‘war on terror,’ the above narrative began being tempered by talk show ‘guests’ – mainly from the Jamat-i-Islami, and certain retired generals who still seemed nostalgically stuck in the 1980s’ ‘Afghan Jihad.’

The Pakistan Army’s half-hearted operations in the sensitive Taliban-infested territories too did not help in this respect, and neither did the right-wing provincial government of the NWFP (MMA) that attempted to ‘keep the peace’ by playing the sympathetic ostrich in the volatile province.

As one started seeing talk show hosts and their guests now condemn Pakistan’s involvement against what were clearly monsters, one was left baffled when the reason for their outrage had something to do with ‘tribal Pathans having great honour and appetite for revenge!’

Of course, it was conveniently forgotten that the ‘honourable’ tribals from whose ranks the Taliban were emerging found nothing so dishonourable about slaughtering not only fellow Pakistanis, but also their own Pushtun kinsmen?

But just when this contradiction and the utter feebleness of it started to become apparent, Musharraf blundered by delaying taking action against the violent Lal Masjid clerics and their army of self-righteous thugs.

The Musharraf dictatorship clearly manhandled the whole issue. But it is also true that electronic media coverage of the Army’s action against the terrorists at the mosque is yet to be paralleled in its utter show of irresponsibility, including in-studio and on-site reporting and ‘comment’ by reporters and hosts that sometimes bordered on actually eulogising and applauding the violent holy thugs.

I still wonder how much of the manic and rabid reactionary sparks that one saw flying around the TV studios at the time contributed to the construction of minds seeking violent revenge in the shape of suicide bombings against the common citizens of Pakistan?

The entirely lopsided and irresponsible coverage of the Lal Masjid is clearly the local electronic media’s darkest hour, one that was only partially rectified by the same media’s following fetish: The Lawyers’ Movement.

With the rise in terrorist attacks on Pakistani civilians, the narrative that put the action of Muslims seeking ‘justified revenge’ against fellow Muslims began weakening, until the sudden appearance of the likes of Zaid Hamid (on a struggling news channel and a music channel!) and Shireen Mazari.

Conspiracy theories about Mossad/RAW/CIA involvement in the matter that were once restricted to obscure crackpot websites suddenly exploded onto the Pakistani mainstream media scene. Some suggest this was done to justify the Pakistan Army’s operation in the north-west, making it look like a fight against infidels (as opposed to it being a civil war against monsters created and ignorantly tolerated by us alone).

So the following has become the new narrative, not only on TV talk shows, but consequently, and dangerously, within much of society: ‘Those conducting suicide attacks on common men, women, and children in Pakistan, cannot be Muslims. They have to be infidel foreigners, most probably funded and trained by RAW, Mossad, and even the CIA. These agencies want to take over Pakistan’s nuclear assets and control the imminent rise of Islam.’

Much psychosomatic gibberish emerges from this unsubstantiated and delusional narrative peddled every single day on talk shows. And if this is the only answer that these ‘experts’ have for the besieged people of Pakistan, then, I’m afraid, we truly have become a wretched nation which has decided to hold on to half-truths, myths, and fantastical stories as a means to safeguard our ‘honour,’ instead of depending more on reason and a positive exhibition of self-criticism. There is no bigger honour than saying and respecting the truth, no matter how disturbing it might be.

Open Letter to The Telegraph (UK)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

In his recent column, “Pakistani TV performing vital democratic function,” Mr. Hasan Mansoor does a disservice to the facts about Pakistan’s media. While TV executives like Azhar Abbas may tell reporters that “their news helps inculcate democracy and gives a voice to the disenfranchised,” their actions tell a different story.

Rather than reply to media critics like Nadeem Paracha, Abbas instead suggests that criticism is part of a defensive strategy by the government. He claims that media critics fail to “counter argument with argument,” but this is simply not the case. For the BBC, Ahmed Rashid wrote a very eloquent and well documented piece about the glut of conspiracy theories in Pakistan’s media.

Rashid’s piece echoed sentiments in Adam Ellick’s excellent post on the New York Times’ blog that featured a video about the failure of pop-music stars to address Taliban violence, choosing instead to focus on anti-Western conspiracy theories. That Pakistani media – especially TV – has become a veritable marketplace of nutty conspiracy theories is not news.

Unfortunately, the failings of Pakistan’s media do not stop with harmless conspiracy fantasies. Take, for example, the recent international outcry around Pakistani newspaper The Nation in which a respected American journalist was accused, absent any evidence whatsoever, of being a spy for both the CIA and Israel’s Mossad.

Did the paper apologize for the obvious ethical problems, not to mention life-threatening dangers, associated with this lapse in judgment? No. Rather, the paper published a semi-coherent diatribe by TV personality and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire, Ahmed Quraishi, in which Quraishi plead victimhood for The Nation having to suffer criticism for an act that could result in the murder of another American journalist in Pakistan. Have we already forgotten Mr. Daniel Pearl?

Talat Hussain’s claim that, “We adopt very democratic methods. Here you find people from both sides,” is eerily reminiscent of similar claims to “Fair and Balanced” reporting from a certain American TV station. This American station also proclaimed that it was giving a voice to the disenfranchised, despite the fact that independent research found that it’s viewers were less well informed than those of other major news outlets. Imagine a media market saturated with FOX News clones. Hardly a service to democracy.

Sadly, Pakistani TV today serves less a democratic function than a demagogic one. Though free from government intervention and control, TV executives and editorial boards have overwhelmingly opted to promote the sort of fantastic conspiracy theories one expects from basement-run Internet message boards, not responsible commercial media outlets. Mr. Abbas and his colleagues are doing democracy in Pakistan a disservice, and would be well advised to clean up their act.